As a freelance writer/director working from home, I spend a lot of time writing and directing from home working freelance. Things can get a little lonely and boring for me at times, so it’s imperative that I find fun things to do to keep my juices flowing.
I like the 11am “View” of Whoopi as much as the next girl, and Sue Thomas F.B.Eye has my eye on her while she solves her handicapped riddles (I turn the sound off on my TV to better empathize with the protagonist), but I need other ways to fill my day… So I play special solitary games.
For example, I like to think of funny names that might belong to people that I could make crank calls to. People like “Armand Aleg”, “Dr. D.R. Doctor” and “Christopher Shit”.
(That last name also doubles as a directive- “Christopher, shit!”)
My adventures usually start at canada411.ca, where I type in names like “Iona Dildo” and “Patsy Mepurplepeenee”, in hopes of a match. Most of the time I walk away with nothing more than the burden of knowing that my brain is a garbage, but occasionally I’ll hit the name-meets-number jackpot.
One god-sent morning, I found a nice example that I’d like to share with you. It came to me while I was changing the batteries in the remote in aunty’s garage (AKA jerking it in the laundry room).
I wondered, “what if there was someone in the world actually named ‘Al Qaeda’?”
Perfectomundo.
I looked it up, and sure enough, I came across a man named Al Kaida in BC.
This is his actual personal information:
Kaida Al
604-736-6934
1504 Granville 1504
Vancouver, BC V6C 3T3
So I called him.
-The following is the transcript of my call to this terrorist fuck son of a bitch-
I dial and phone rings. It’s answered after 3 rings.
Al Kaida: “Hello?”
Mark: “Yes. Hello. Could I please speak to Mr. Kaida?”
Al Kaida: “This is he.”
Mark: “Al Kaida?”
Al Kaida: “Yep.”
Pause.
(Al sounds like a much older man…He’s a mouth-breather. And most likely a jam-eater)
Mark: “Mr Kaida, I’m calling from Bellamy Flowers international.”
Al Kaida: “Okay…”
Mark: “I have a flower shipment here for you. I was wondering when I could send a delivery man by to drop it off.”
Al Kaida: “I don’t know why I’d be getting any flowers.”
Mark: “Well, maybe a friend of yours has sent them to you as a gesture of good will…”
Al Kaida: “Allright. Well… Could you tell me where they’re from?”
Mark: “Iraq.”
Al Kaida: “Iraq?”
Mark: “Sorry. Iran.”
Al Kaida: “I don’t know why I’d be getting flowers from Iran”.
Pause.
Mark: “Afghanistan…”
Al Kaida: “Pardon?”
Mark: “Do you have friends that move around a lot who now live in Afghanistan, Mr. Kaida?”
Al Kaida: “No sir.”
Mark: “You don’t?”
Al Kaida: “No sir.”
Mark: “So these flowers aren’t sent to your address under your name, which I will repeat as “Al Kaida” from someone who knows you in the Middle East?”
Al Kaida: “That is my name, but I don’t have any friends there.”
Mark: “So you deny any affiliation with these flowers, which are poppies by the way, and with the person or faction that sent them?”
Al Kaida: “What? well I’m not 100% sure…”
Mark: “Allright, Mr. Kaida. I understand. There is a card attached. Should I open and read it to you, Mr Kaida?”
Al Kaida: “That would be great.”
Mark: “The card reads ‘You know what to do. You’re “the bomb”. Signed, Ali Mohamed.”
Al Kaida: “What? This is ridiculous.”
Mark: “The bomb was in parentheses…”
Al Keida: “WHAT?”
Mark: “Sir. When can I drop off your large shipment of poppies?”
Al Kaida: “I don’t know that I want them…”
Mark: “Well there will be a small inconvenience fee if you do not accept your shipment from the Middle East.”
Al Kaida: “Are you joking?”
Mark: “I’m sorry, but this fee is non-reversible.”
Al Kaida: “That’s insane. I don’t even want the flowers.”
Mark: “I assure you Mr Kaida. I wouldn’t charge you if I didn’t have to, but it’s my duty….”
Al Kaida: “I understand.”
Mark: “..As an American…”
Al Kaida: “Right…”
Mark: “…To have you charged..”
Al Kaida: “Right. Well what do I owe?”
Mark: “9.11.”
Al Kaida: “Pardon?”
Mark: “Al Kaida to pay for 9.11.”
Al Kaida: “What?”
Mark: “9.11 for heroin shipment to Al Kaida.”
Al Kaida: “…..”
Mark: “9 dollars and 11 cents. Sir.”
Click.
I also play video games.
